The Climb

I was going through a dark night of the soul for a while, struggling in every area of my life: work, finances, health, relationships, and thoughts. Not only that, but I was trying to draw close to God, and I didn't feel He was drawing near to me - no peace, no joy, no clarity. My prayers kept seeming they were about to be answered, and then the door would slam in my face. Three times, it seemed certain that I had a job in the bag, but then my potential employers would pull back because of some technicalities set forth by the State - their hands were tied, and they had to go with another candidate. Doors opened and closed not only in my job situation but also in finances, health, and relationships. I got angry at God. Though I know He doesn't taunt, that's sure what it felt like. I wished these opportunities would stop presenting themselves rather than giving me false hope.

What's funny is that during this time, I didn't feel I was in the right place to minister to others, feeling so far from God myself. Yet there were two times that I was obligated to minister. In both cases, these people were really touched, and it was confirmed that I had spoken just the right words. God spoke through me in my time of weakness in a way He hadn't done during the times I was feeling especially "spiritual".

I am still walking through this time of feeling distant from God, but every once in a while, He causes a light bulb to go on in my head, and I take one step closer to Him. At my lowest time, I realized I needed to repent of being angry at God, and I needed to ask forgiveness. I did - didn't feel a bit better, but knew I was doing the right thing.

A little while later, I was driving and listening to the radio, rather than a cd like I usually do. "The Climb" by Miley Cyrus came on. I've heard that song many times and knew there was truth to it, but this time it just clicked: "It's not about how fast I get there. It's not about what's waiting on the other side. It's the climb." I've spent most of my life striving for the next thing, seeing every task and every moment as something to get through and accomplish. But when I stepped out of my car that day, I did so with the realization that the Holy Spirit was with me in every step, and my goal needn't be to walk to my destination as quickly as possible and get my work done but to simply walk with Him everywhere I go. It was the first day in at least a week that my stomach didn't feel tense all day. When I got back in my car at the end of the day, I was thinking it would be cool if that song came on again, and what do you know - one of the first stations I turned to was playing it!

God has been revealing Himself to me as a loving Father, but I sometimes struggle with keeping that perspective. Though I have a great earthly father, he is imperfect, and at times I begin to see my Heavenly Father this way and feel resentful toward Him - almost like He's that kid on an anthill (if you've heard that analogy). But another day, I was in my car, and another song came on:

A thousand sparkling stars upon a midnight summer sky
The majesty and wonder of the ocean's endless tide
And the more I see the more I can't explain
How the one who set the world in place
Could even know my name and I'm amazed, I'm so amazed

How great You are, how small I am
How awesome is Your mighty hand
And I am captured by the wonder of it all
And I will offer all my praise with all my heart for all my days
How great You are, how great You are, how great You are

A million snow flakes gently fall, yet no two are the same
For colors fill the canvas of the seasons as they change

And everywhere I look I see Your hand
Why You would love someone like me
I'll never understand and I'm amazed, I'm so amazed

Another change in perspective. And finally, my situations are beginning to change. I just completed my second full week at a job I really enjoy (long-term high school Spanish sub) that is paying me almost three times what I was making before. This was one of those doors that shut definitively. They went with another candidate, but circumstances changed. A week and a half after they had told me they couldn't hire me, they got back in touch with me. I went in that day to interview, taught a sample lesson the next day, was hired that afternoon, and started work five days later.

I have finally found someone who is helping me get my health back, and I am beginning to see improvement. I am beyond busy right now, and so much about the future is uncertain, but God is good, and He has only good plans for me - for all who love Him (Jeremiah 29:11, Romans 8:28). The Israelites had to march around Jericho six days, then seven times on the seventh day before the walls came down (Joshua 6). Another time, Israel sought the Lord before going into battle. They did everything right, obeying everything God told them to do, but they were defeated twice, suffering many losses, before finally winning the victory (Judges 20). I don't know why God does what He does, but I know that faith and perseverance please Him.

"And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him." ~Hebrews 11:6

"Since ancient times no one has heard, no ear has perceived, no eye has seen any God besides you, who acts on behalf of those who wait for him." ~Isaiah 64:4