As a daughter

I often come face-to-face with the reality that I don't have the strength, wisdom, grace, love, or ability in and of myself to do what God has called me to. The tasks He has placed before me are bigger than I am, and I know that only by His grace can I accomplish them. A prayer that has crossed my lips countless times over the last few years has been, "God, help me to be the teacher that my students need me to be for them."

But I am in the process of realizing that this is the wrong prayer. My pastor once said, "I can't do what I do as a pastor. I have to go in as a son." I am realizing that my instinctive prayer when I am feeling inadequate is a performance prayer. "Help me to be the teacher my students need me to be for them," places my identity in what I do. Yet if my identity is found, not in who I am or what I can do, but in Whose I am... that's what will give me the ability to rest in His love for me and just be.

Because the truth is that victory comes through being, not performing. He has already placed inside of me all that I need to overcome. He has filled my bank account with all the strength, wisdom, grace, love, and ability that I require. I can't make a withdrawal by tricks of persuasion or feats of strength. I can only make a withdrawal by knowing who I am well enough to sign my name.

Emily, Daughter of God.

"Now may the God of peace...equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ." ~Hebrews 13:20-21

"See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!..." ~1 John 3:1

Remembering

Still working 12+ hours a day, I have to remind myself to be positive. One way of staying positive is remembering God's goodness to me, because it’s easy to forget the good stuff and focus only on what God hasn’t done yet. I've been reading through my journal and have been encouraged remembering all of the ways God has spoken to me and worked on my behalf over the past year and a half. I came across this journal entry the other day – one I wrote almost a year ago:

12/19/10 – I’ve spent most of these past two and a half years in Honduras, but today it comes to an end. I am entering into a new season in my life, so I want to reflect on what God has done and what He has taught me in this past season. I’ve learned to be flexible, because I never know what tomorrow will bring. God has changed my plans more often and on a greater scale in this season than ever in my life. I have also had to be flexible because I’ve been living in a country and a culture where time doesn’t matter so much, and things often don’t work like they’re supposed to. God has used me to impact others’ lives profoundly, even when I have felt weak and incapable. He has fostered such love in my heart for the people He’s placed in my life and has caused them to love and accept me, too. He has taught me to depend on Him, because there have been many times when He is all I’ve had. He has grown in me an appreciation for home that I didn’t have to that extent before. He has provided me with a wide range of experiences that will serve me in my future endeavors with teaching and just in forming relationships. He has opened my eyes to the world, shown me how other people live and think.

Besides remembering God’s goodness in the past, I also need to bring to memory the good things that are happening right now. I don’t think I’ll ever take a hot shower for granted again, but I had forgotten how much I used to long for the conveniences I now have: my own car, a washing machine that I don’t have to fill with water by hand, a dryer, a grocery store that is always well-stocked, produce that doesn’t make me sick, dependable electricity, clean running water…

It’s easy to focus on the lessons that went wrong and the negative feedback I’ve gotten from students and bosses. Every day, I need to choose to remember the good. Like the comment from my assistant principal the other day that she has seen such tremendous growth in me that it’s like night and day. Or the time on Friday when I had only a few students in my room, and they were so happy to be with me rather than doing the activity the rest of the class was doing. We were reviewing things we have learned lately, and I realized that they really are learning – and proud of all their new knowledge. Or the other moment on Friday when one student said, “My favorite teachers are Ms. Marino, Ms. Anaya, and Mrs. McNeil,” and another student responded, “I only have one favorite teacher: Ms. Marino.”

When I think about it, there is so much more that is right in my life than there is that’s wrong.

"Praise the LORD, my soul, and forget not all his benefits— who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s...from everlasting to everlasting the LORD’s love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children’s children." ~Psalm 103:2-5,17

Progress

I'm making tons of progress but still having to work 12 hours a day to keep on top of things. Classroom management has gotten much better but still needs improvement. I've got the relationship part down, at least. My students complain far too much, so the other day, I made each one of them say something they were thankful for. A few students said they were thankful to have such a good teacher :-) I've had to leave my students with a sub several times while I've gone to meetings and trainings. Every time I tell them I have to leave, I get a disappointed, "Aaawwwww!" The class even worked together to make me a touching birthday card, more than a month early.

I've got one student who has been abused at home, another who can't read or write and grew up on the streets - he often needs to have power struggles with authority figures -, another student who lost her dad and uncle and whose mom lives in Puerto Rico. They all need extra TLC coupled with a firm hand.

So you can see my visible progress:



"He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the LORD was my support. He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me. The LORD has dealt with me according to my righteousness; according to the cleanness of my hands he has rewarded me... To the faithful you show yourself faithful, to the blameless you show yourself blameless." ~Psalm 18:16-25

The good, the bad, and the ugly

I'm still very busy but making progress. At my school, people drop in on your class unannounced all the time to observe. Lately, I've been observed by the bilingual supervisor (my boss), the bilingual coach, my mentor, and the math coach. They have all been happy with what they've seen, and my math coach noted "dramatic improvement" from her first observation to her second. I can expect to be observed on a regular basis now by my principal, and there is also an outside organization that observes new teachers - I'm on their list.

Our school has a "Town Meeting" once a month, in which each class has the chance to share something they have been learning with the rest of the school. I have been teaching my class about the importance of reducing our impact on the Earth, and I put together a slideshow with their help:



I thought when I came back to the United States that life and teaching would be more predictable and without so many interruptions. I was wrong. For one thing, having a bilingual class, students are always coming and going. Since the start of the school year, two of my students have left to go back to Puerto Rico for good, and one Friday morning recently, I suddenly had a new student who had arrived from Puerto Rico. Tomorrow, one of my students will be mainstreamed, and in March, another of my students will also be making the switch from bilingual to mainstream. There are so many other interruptions - phone calls, announcements, schedule changes, last-minute parent meetings called during class... And then there are the more serious disturbances - A seventh-grader in our school was killed a couple of weeks ago. I still don't know exactly how it happened, but the sorrow it caused was deep and widespread. And yet we have to move on. I was one of the least affected, because neither I nor my students knew the boy.

It's been good; it's been bad, and it's been ugly, but this is the truth I see at work:

" 'Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.' " ~Isaiah 43:1-2

Growing Pains

I am still averaging about 12 hours a day in my classroom. I am tired but no longer desperate. I’ve had the chance to observe several other teachers in my school, and I feel privileged to be able to work with and learn from so many “rock stars”, as our math coach has termed them. Two teachers on separate occasions came to my classroom after our students had gone home and spent several hours with me, helping me to set up my classroom and sort through what an average day should look like in terms of classroom management and instruction. Before, the 12 hours a day were to just barely keep my head above water, but now I feel like I’m making progress and really getting things in place.

Many people have encouraged me and validated my feelings. No teacher is surprised when I tell them how many hours I am putting in – they tell me it’s normal for a first-year elementary teacher. I met with the social worker the other day, and she verified that I have a difficult class with several challenging personalities, but this week she is going to start working with me to help me reach these students. I have felt very inadequate knowing that as I go through this learning process, I am not preparing my students very well at all, and I think of how much better the students are faring in the other fifth-grade classes. They are engaged and learning. They know the routines and are having fun in a safe environment. My students are seldom engaged and often confused (but that’s improving). We have few routines in place, and our classroom environment is not very safe emotionally with all of the misbehaviors that are occurring (though we’re making progress on that end, too). However, most days, I receive a gift or two from different students – drawings with which I’ve been filling up the wall behind my desk:

One student in particular has given me several notes saying that I am the best teacher, I “rule the school”... In her response to a writing prompt, she wrote: “I always talk about Ms. Marino and how nice she is." While talking with my students a couple of weeks ago, I at one point said the words, “I’m not perfect.” I was surprised at the negative reaction that statement caused. One student said, “But you’re perfect for us!” So somehow God is using me.

Here are some pictures to show you the progress I am making on my apartment and classroom:

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

~2 Corinthians 12:9

Thankful

Though recently I have been in distress, I have surprised myself with feelings of gratitude. I wake up happy (even if I’m tired and have a long day ahead of me), smile at myself in the mirror as I get ready, and thank God throughout the day for every little thing. How wonderful it is to have electricity, how blessed I am to have my own apartment with so many things I’ve always wanted (a huge walk-in closet, a garbage disposal, quiet neighbors, great big windows that look out on trees and let the sun in...), and what wonderful people I have in my life. I thank Him for thankfulness, because the ability to feel gratitude makes life so much sweeter.

I’ve been averaging 10-13 hours per day at school because that’s just how busy I am. I am still feeling very stressed, but I’m happy. And things are starting to come together. Little by little, I am putting my apartment, classroom, and curriculum together. My 5^th graders and I are feeling more like a family. Behavior issues have been a huge struggle, but Thursday was their best day yet, and it gave me hope that we can do this. I recently met with the 4^th-grade bilingual teacher, who was new to the school last year and had my students, so she could relate to me in so many ways and give me advice and encouragement. She too used to stay at school until 8:00 pm. She too was overwhelmed by the open-ended position of a bilingual teacher. She too had to go through a learning process to figure out how to manage the students.

I had a suspicion that I hadn’t gotten rid of all the bed bug eggs, because I found some new bites. So I went through the cleaning process again and bought two expensive bed-bug proof mattress covers for my mattress and box spring. No more signs of them in over a week – I think they’re gone. I brought my car in to the mechanic, and we think I am good to go after spending only a couple of hours and a couple hundred dollars, rather than a few thousand on replacing the transmission. The car drives more smoothly now. In the process of working on it, the mechanic found a serious safety issue – a loose wheel. If I hadn’t brought the car in for transmission problems, I may not have found this other problem until it caused me to get into a serious car accident. Thank You, God, for Your protection.

"Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus." ~1 Thessalonians 5:18

"He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart...'Because she loves me,' says the LORD, 'I will rescue her; I will protect her, for she acknowledges my name. She will call on me, and I will answer her; I will be with her in trouble, I will deliver her and honor her. With long life I will satisfy her and show her my salvation.” ~Psalm 91:4,14-16

Testing

I didn’t know I could go through this much testing outside of Honduras. It’s been a rough few weeks. Having only two weeks to settle into my apartment and my classroom was challenging, but I did it. There is still work to be done in both places, but they are both roughly set up and welcoming. Here are pictures:


My car’s transmission is demonstrating symptoms of needing to be replaced, the worst one happening at a red light. When it turned green, my car wouldn’t go into gear. The cars behind me were impatiently honking their horns until I figured out that if I turned the car off and then on again, it shifted into gear. My bank account has been dangerously low, and I have been carefully debating every penny spent – definitely can’t afford to replace the transmission right now. As many of you experienced from the hurricane, my power was out for five days. One evening during the outage, after days of finding bites on my legs, I discovered bed bugs in my bed. I took all my bedding, clothes, and anything that could be contaminated to the Laundromat and spent $20 getting it all washed. Got home after 9 PM to take my rugs outside and sweep my floors by candlelight. Then I had to prepare my food for the next day, since you can’t prepare food in bulk and store it in the refrigerator during a power outage. I slept five hours that night, leaving me feeling not-so-energized for my very first day of school. The teachers were getting ready to pick up their students from the gym when we smelled burning rubber. The fire alarm went off, and we escorted our students outside, where we were told we might have to spend the day at the library or another school just killing time.

It’s okay, though; it gets better. After an hour of waiting, we were allowed back into the building to start our day. Only 14 of my 26 students showed up, but we had a really good morning. I have one class of Hispanic 5^th graders with me all day except for the hour when they are at specials and lunch. I formed a connection with them right from the start. There are some challenges, like two boys who have been sworn enemies since last school year, a few boys who would rather distract each other than follow instructions, and six special ed students (one has cerebral palsy). But I really like them, and we have gotten off to a great, though somewhat turbulent, start. At the end of our second day together, I was talking with the students about how we are a family and our classroom is their second home. One student responded by saying that he had almost called me “Mom” earlier. Another student asked what our family name is going to be, and someone else suggested that we call ourselves “The Marinos”. Most of the students are from Puerto Rico. Some arrived in the U.S. this summer; others have been here for a year or two. I speak to them mostly in Spanish, which sometimes leaves me tongue-tied and stumbling over my words, but they don’t seem to mind.

I didn’t have any curriculum when we started school, but over the last couple of days, I have briefly met with the literacy coach and math coach and received some guidance. I am expecting that the rest of the curriculum will be provided in the next few days, but even when I have it, I’m told I will have to modify it a good deal to fit the bilingual program. Thursday was our first day of classes. It was supposed to be Wednesday, but it got pushed back a day because of the power outage. It’s a good thing that happened, because by Friday afternoon, I had run out of getting-to-know-you activities. I was in a terrible mood on Thursday evening, but discovering that my apartment had power when I got home completely changed my mood around. Then on Friday, I got my first paycheck and started my long weekend. Thank God for Labor Day.

Now I’m just praying that I can find the time and clarity of mind to put all my lesson plans together for next week. I’m praying that my car’s transmission holds out long enough for me to build up my bank account before having to replace it. I know I got rid of the adult bed bugs because I haven’t found any new bites since my trip to the Laundromat, and I’m praying that my efforts to get rid of any eggs worked. If it didn’t, the only thing left to do is call an exterminator and hope I don’t pass bed bugs onto my students and their families.

I am thankful for the many people in my life who have provided encouragement, advice, and prayer support. Today after a time of prayer ministry, I felt a huge burden lifted off of me. I go forward from here choosing to walk in peace and trust in the One who lives outside of time and has all of heaven's resources at His disposal.

"May the LORD answer you when you are in distress; may the name of the God of Jacob protect you. May he send you help from the sanctuary and grant you support from Zion. May he remember all your sacrifices and accept your burnt offerings. May he give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed. May we shout for joy over your victory and lift up our banners in the name of our God. May the LORD grant all your requests." ~Psalm 20:1-5