As a daughter

I often come face-to-face with the reality that I don't have the strength, wisdom, grace, love, or ability in and of myself to do what God has called me to. The tasks He has placed before me are bigger than I am, and I know that only by His grace can I accomplish them. A prayer that has crossed my lips countless times over the last few years has been, "God, help me to be the teacher that my students need me to be for them."

But I am in the process of realizing that this is the wrong prayer. My pastor once said, "I can't do what I do as a pastor. I have to go in as a son." I am realizing that my instinctive prayer when I am feeling inadequate is a performance prayer. "Help me to be the teacher my students need me to be for them," places my identity in what I do. Yet if my identity is found, not in who I am or what I can do, but in Whose I am... that's what will give me the ability to rest in His love for me and just be.

Because the truth is that victory comes through being, not performing. He has already placed inside of me all that I need to overcome. He has filled my bank account with all the strength, wisdom, grace, love, and ability that I require. I can't make a withdrawal by tricks of persuasion or feats of strength. I can only make a withdrawal by knowing who I am well enough to sign my name.

Emily, Daughter of God.

"Now may the God of peace...equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ." ~Hebrews 13:20-21

"See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!..." ~1 John 3:1

Remembering

Still working 12+ hours a day, I have to remind myself to be positive. One way of staying positive is remembering God's goodness to me, because it’s easy to forget the good stuff and focus only on what God hasn’t done yet. I've been reading through my journal and have been encouraged remembering all of the ways God has spoken to me and worked on my behalf over the past year and a half. I came across this journal entry the other day – one I wrote almost a year ago:

12/19/10 – I’ve spent most of these past two and a half years in Honduras, but today it comes to an end. I am entering into a new season in my life, so I want to reflect on what God has done and what He has taught me in this past season. I’ve learned to be flexible, because I never know what tomorrow will bring. God has changed my plans more often and on a greater scale in this season than ever in my life. I have also had to be flexible because I’ve been living in a country and a culture where time doesn’t matter so much, and things often don’t work like they’re supposed to. God has used me to impact others’ lives profoundly, even when I have felt weak and incapable. He has fostered such love in my heart for the people He’s placed in my life and has caused them to love and accept me, too. He has taught me to depend on Him, because there have been many times when He is all I’ve had. He has grown in me an appreciation for home that I didn’t have to that extent before. He has provided me with a wide range of experiences that will serve me in my future endeavors with teaching and just in forming relationships. He has opened my eyes to the world, shown me how other people live and think.

Besides remembering God’s goodness in the past, I also need to bring to memory the good things that are happening right now. I don’t think I’ll ever take a hot shower for granted again, but I had forgotten how much I used to long for the conveniences I now have: my own car, a washing machine that I don’t have to fill with water by hand, a dryer, a grocery store that is always well-stocked, produce that doesn’t make me sick, dependable electricity, clean running water…

It’s easy to focus on the lessons that went wrong and the negative feedback I’ve gotten from students and bosses. Every day, I need to choose to remember the good. Like the comment from my assistant principal the other day that she has seen such tremendous growth in me that it’s like night and day. Or the time on Friday when I had only a few students in my room, and they were so happy to be with me rather than doing the activity the rest of the class was doing. We were reviewing things we have learned lately, and I realized that they really are learning – and proud of all their new knowledge. Or the other moment on Friday when one student said, “My favorite teachers are Ms. Marino, Ms. Anaya, and Mrs. McNeil,” and another student responded, “I only have one favorite teacher: Ms. Marino.”

When I think about it, there is so much more that is right in my life than there is that’s wrong.

"Praise the LORD, my soul, and forget not all his benefits— who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s...from everlasting to everlasting the LORD’s love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children’s children." ~Psalm 103:2-5,17