Perspective, part 2

I have been learning that I create my own perspective with the words I say and the thoughts I think. So I have been teaching myself to choose my words carefully. Rather than say, "I have to grade these quizzes," or, "I need to clean the bathroom,", or, "I should fill out that document," I am re-training myself to say, "I would like to..." Try it - it relieves a lot of the tension in the situation.

It works for my students, as well. If I say to one of them, "Do your work," or, "Sit here," especially if I demand immediate action, I am bound to only make the situation worse. What produces much better results is this: "You have a choice. You can do your work now, or you can finish it at lunchtime." Or, "Would you mind sitting over here?" When students are having trouble remembering the expectations for classroom behavior, I no longer say, "You need to raise your hand," etc. My response is, "I only call on students who are quietly sitting in their seats and raising their hands." These kinds of statements make for a much calmer, cooperative classroom, and I can tell my words are sinking in. One of my students got upset with me a little while ago and said, "You always give me choices!" If that's his worst complaint, I'm fine with that. Another student at the end of the day was choosing someone to help with a classroom job, and several students stood up and called out. He responded, "I only call on students who are sitting down and raising their hands." It brought a smile to my face.

Instruction, classroom management, and everything pertaining to my job are gradually improving. I'm still putting in tons of hours, and my progress can best be described as two steps forward, one step back. But I see a huge difference from the start of the school year until now, and my bosses are noticing the change as well. The last thing I did before leaving school yesterday (to start February break, hallelujah), was to meet with my principal. She noted that my commitment is obvious, and she is very pleased with my progress. What a great way to start vacation :-)

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." -Galatians 6:9

Perspective

Though things have been hard for me, God has allowed me to get a glimpse into other situations that have helped put my circumstances in perspective...
...A teaching friend across the country whose school district has much more impossible standards and consequences for standardized testing than mine does.
...A family friend who is teaching in Africa while running a drug recovery home: pouring into the lives of her "sons", cooking the food, washing clothes by hand, and struggling financially. And I thought teaching alone was a full-time job. She says, "In many ways, I am in my element. There’s no place that I’d rather be. In other ways, I feel like I’m stretched beyond my stretching ability. Especially when a son comes home, looks me in the eye, and tells me he didn’t smoke. After I’ve poured my heart and soul and everything into him. After God has given me so many promises. The smoke that is obviously coming from his lungs makes me sick to my stomach. God is teaching me to 'love without an agenda.' He is also teaching me that sometimes He has to speak to someone 47 times before they hear Him and change, but that 47^th time will come. And all the times leading up to that changing point are not wasted, but are building towards the day of change."
...And most recently, I've learned about another teacher at my school, who has been battling an autoimmune disease for ten years, and now the doctors tell her there is little hope for survival.
Yes, God has allowed me to go through difficult times, but how can I complain in the face of these amazing challenges that others are facing with such faith and courage? My prayers go out to them.

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. " -2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Enthusiasm

I've always known that part of being a good teacher is instilling excitement in your students for what they're learning. However, I have been allowing the stress and frustrations to take away the joy of teaching. After a particularly bad day, when my students were not doing anything they were supposed to do, I went to another 5th-grade teacher for advice. She told me that she acts every day for her students - she is so overly enthusiastic that they are drawn in. Her example was that, when talking about symmetry, she said, "Doesn't that blow your mind?!? You can fold it in half and it's the same on both sides!" I tried it the next day. I acted like everything we were doing was the greatest discovery ever made, and it worked. My students responded much better. It certainly did not eliminate all behavior issues, but at least I had fun, and my students were more engaged.

I realized that life is a little like that. If you act like you're enjoying it, you really do.

"...don't just do the minimum that will get you by. Do your best. Work from the heart for your real Master, for God... Keep in mind always that the ultimate Master you're serving is Christ. The sullen servant who does shoddy work will be held responsible. Being a follower of Jesus doesn't cover up bad work." -Colossians 3:23

As a daughter

I often come face-to-face with the reality that I don't have the strength, wisdom, grace, love, or ability in and of myself to do what God has called me to. The tasks He has placed before me are bigger than I am, and I know that only by His grace can I accomplish them. A prayer that has crossed my lips countless times over the last few years has been, "God, help me to be the teacher that my students need me to be for them."

But I am in the process of realizing that this is the wrong prayer. My pastor once said, "I can't do what I do as a pastor. I have to go in as a son." I am realizing that my instinctive prayer when I am feeling inadequate is a performance prayer. "Help me to be the teacher my students need me to be for them," places my identity in what I do. Yet if my identity is found, not in who I am or what I can do, but in Whose I am... that's what will give me the ability to rest in His love for me and just be.

Because the truth is that victory comes through being, not performing. He has already placed inside of me all that I need to overcome. He has filled my bank account with all the strength, wisdom, grace, love, and ability that I require. I can't make a withdrawal by tricks of persuasion or feats of strength. I can only make a withdrawal by knowing who I am well enough to sign my name.

Emily, Daughter of God.

"Now may the God of peace...equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ." ~Hebrews 13:20-21

"See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!..." ~1 John 3:1

Remembering

Still working 12+ hours a day, I have to remind myself to be positive. One way of staying positive is remembering God's goodness to me, because it’s easy to forget the good stuff and focus only on what God hasn’t done yet. I've been reading through my journal and have been encouraged remembering all of the ways God has spoken to me and worked on my behalf over the past year and a half. I came across this journal entry the other day – one I wrote almost a year ago:

12/19/10 – I’ve spent most of these past two and a half years in Honduras, but today it comes to an end. I am entering into a new season in my life, so I want to reflect on what God has done and what He has taught me in this past season. I’ve learned to be flexible, because I never know what tomorrow will bring. God has changed my plans more often and on a greater scale in this season than ever in my life. I have also had to be flexible because I’ve been living in a country and a culture where time doesn’t matter so much, and things often don’t work like they’re supposed to. God has used me to impact others’ lives profoundly, even when I have felt weak and incapable. He has fostered such love in my heart for the people He’s placed in my life and has caused them to love and accept me, too. He has taught me to depend on Him, because there have been many times when He is all I’ve had. He has grown in me an appreciation for home that I didn’t have to that extent before. He has provided me with a wide range of experiences that will serve me in my future endeavors with teaching and just in forming relationships. He has opened my eyes to the world, shown me how other people live and think.

Besides remembering God’s goodness in the past, I also need to bring to memory the good things that are happening right now. I don’t think I’ll ever take a hot shower for granted again, but I had forgotten how much I used to long for the conveniences I now have: my own car, a washing machine that I don’t have to fill with water by hand, a dryer, a grocery store that is always well-stocked, produce that doesn’t make me sick, dependable electricity, clean running water…

It’s easy to focus on the lessons that went wrong and the negative feedback I’ve gotten from students and bosses. Every day, I need to choose to remember the good. Like the comment from my assistant principal the other day that she has seen such tremendous growth in me that it’s like night and day. Or the time on Friday when I had only a few students in my room, and they were so happy to be with me rather than doing the activity the rest of the class was doing. We were reviewing things we have learned lately, and I realized that they really are learning – and proud of all their new knowledge. Or the other moment on Friday when one student said, “My favorite teachers are Ms. Marino, Ms. Anaya, and Mrs. McNeil,” and another student responded, “I only have one favorite teacher: Ms. Marino.”

When I think about it, there is so much more that is right in my life than there is that’s wrong.

"Praise the LORD, my soul, and forget not all his benefits— who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s...from everlasting to everlasting the LORD’s love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children’s children." ~Psalm 103:2-5,17

Progress

I'm making tons of progress but still having to work 12 hours a day to keep on top of things. Classroom management has gotten much better but still needs improvement. I've got the relationship part down, at least. My students complain far too much, so the other day, I made each one of them say something they were thankful for. A few students said they were thankful to have such a good teacher :-) I've had to leave my students with a sub several times while I've gone to meetings and trainings. Every time I tell them I have to leave, I get a disappointed, "Aaawwwww!" The class even worked together to make me a touching birthday card, more than a month early.

I've got one student who has been abused at home, another who can't read or write and grew up on the streets - he often needs to have power struggles with authority figures -, another student who lost her dad and uncle and whose mom lives in Puerto Rico. They all need extra TLC coupled with a firm hand.

So you can see my visible progress:



"He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the LORD was my support. He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me. The LORD has dealt with me according to my righteousness; according to the cleanness of my hands he has rewarded me... To the faithful you show yourself faithful, to the blameless you show yourself blameless." ~Psalm 18:16-25

The good, the bad, and the ugly

I'm still very busy but making progress. At my school, people drop in on your class unannounced all the time to observe. Lately, I've been observed by the bilingual supervisor (my boss), the bilingual coach, my mentor, and the math coach. They have all been happy with what they've seen, and my math coach noted "dramatic improvement" from her first observation to her second. I can expect to be observed on a regular basis now by my principal, and there is also an outside organization that observes new teachers - I'm on their list.

Our school has a "Town Meeting" once a month, in which each class has the chance to share something they have been learning with the rest of the school. I have been teaching my class about the importance of reducing our impact on the Earth, and I put together a slideshow with their help:



I thought when I came back to the United States that life and teaching would be more predictable and without so many interruptions. I was wrong. For one thing, having a bilingual class, students are always coming and going. Since the start of the school year, two of my students have left to go back to Puerto Rico for good, and one Friday morning recently, I suddenly had a new student who had arrived from Puerto Rico. Tomorrow, one of my students will be mainstreamed, and in March, another of my students will also be making the switch from bilingual to mainstream. There are so many other interruptions - phone calls, announcements, schedule changes, last-minute parent meetings called during class... And then there are the more serious disturbances - A seventh-grader in our school was killed a couple of weeks ago. I still don't know exactly how it happened, but the sorrow it caused was deep and widespread. And yet we have to move on. I was one of the least affected, because neither I nor my students knew the boy.

It's been good; it's been bad, and it's been ugly, but this is the truth I see at work:

" 'Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.' " ~Isaiah 43:1-2